Here, Have Some

One of my favorite advice columnists, Amy Dickinson ("Ask Amy"), once again gave me food for thought today. Actually, the key phrase came from her questioner, but the lightbulb in my head went off when Amy paraphrased the writer's words: "Have fun and see where this relationship goes."

Have fun and see where this relationship goes. A simple sentence that struck me with the force of revelation today. And a notion that I have not been very good at integrating into my consciousness as I enter into a dating relationship (which I am not in now and have not been seeking of late).

Even though I've been in a couple of long-term relationships (one very long) that started out as dating, and even though I have dated, with pleasurable results, in the last few years since I've been single again, I still feel as though I don't know the first thing about dating.

Okay, I suppose I've gotten better at it, but I still get overwhelmed by questions like What if he's looking to get more serious than I am? What if I fall for him but can't follow through? What if I don't end up liking him as much as I seem to like him now? How could I possibly contemplate a relationship when so many components of my life conspire against that very thing -- my two time-consuming jobs, my crazy dogs, my family obligations, my lingering hurt over my last relationship, my love of solitude and independence, my not-yet-fulfilled creative plans, the fact that I simply like living alone and doing my own thing?

I'm one of those gay men -- by no means all but many -- who had virtually no youthful experience with dating that I could learn from or build on. I took my first dating steps, and missteps, not in my teens but in my late twenties. The entire concept of dating -- that it's a way of getting to know someone to see if you want to work your way toward something more serious (and if you don't, it doesn't mean the dating has been a failure or can't continue), to see if you in fact like each other as much as you seemed to at the start, or to simply enjoy some fun and companionship and physical intimacy -- is something that I continually have to be reminded of, usually by other people or advice columns: that not everyone necessarily enters into a dating relationship -- and here I'm not talking about casual sex or friends with benefits, which have their own honorable place in the cosmos, but dating -- with the hope or expectation that it will grow into a lifetime commitment. And that's okay.

I might have this dating thing down by the time I'm ready for one of the gay- and lesbian-friendly retirement communities starting to proliferate. (An utterly cheering idea, by the way.)

Have fun and see where this relationship goes.That might almost merit a Stewart Smalley-style spot on my bathroom mirror. Until a relationship -- of whatever kind -- comes along.